Patterns of Behavior II: Change yourself; Be the person you want to be

Patterns of behavior II: Change yourself; Be the person you want to be…

Okay, hopefully you have a fair idea of what a Pattern of Behavior is by now, but I’m going to nutshell it, one more time, anyway…
It is the habitual and automatic action, repeatedly chosen as the primary response to a single and relatively specific experience, the “trigger”. When the triggering experience manifests itself into our present, the Pattern of Behavior (PB), just like a computer program, will unconsciously unfold to deal with it.
It may be a positive action or negative. The subconscious doesn’t care. The very first time in your life that you experienced this trigger, your subconscious, having never experienced it before, had no pre-selected response and had to just grab one out of thin air and hope that you (and it) survived. If you did survive, then it filed that action away as the response to perform every time that particular trigger presented itself. From that time forward it remained exactly the same trigger/response, reinforcing its self and becoming stronger and more and more automatic, or second nature, with every successful encounter. The only way it will, or could, ever change will be by some unusual outside influence or your own efforts.
The reason our subconscious locks in these patterned responses is so that when a trigger occurs, it has an action already programmed to be pulled instantly out of the brain’s files, put into our mental VCR/DVD and run, as the response. We don’t even have to think about it. In fact, thinking about it at the moment of some potential crisis can get you killed. No, the automatic behavior is best. It also leaves your brain open to be thinking about something else at the same time. Very efficient.
But just surviving, important as it may be, is still not necessarily the best criteria by which we might select our best, or at least better, responses. Remember, when a trigger presents itself to us for the first time in our lives, it’s a new experience. The subconscious has never had to select a response for this one before and is decidedly rushed, even borderline panic. It doesn’t have time to come up with several possible actions, weigh the pros and cons of each and then pick one. It snags the first one that seems to have “survival” written all over it.
Should we indeed survive, it still has no reason or incentive to now take us back to that trigger and together, sub-conscious and high-conscious (awakened beta mind to mid-alpha), take all the time necessary to imagine several new and different creative responses, responses that might insure a more positive, even loving outcome to this pattern of behavior, as a whole. Since we’re not rushed at the moment, we can take the time to weigh the new responses, compare them, and pick one as THE new one that we would like to start applying first from now on, whenever this particular trigger presents itself.
This has absolutely no influence or appeal to the subconscious. It has already found a response that ended with SURVIVAL. Whether the higher consciousnesses like or dislike the manner or condition of their final survival couldn’t mean less to the subconscious. As far as it’s concerned, IT was the one that saved us all and if there were any concern on its part it would be more like, “…Where are my Kudos and accolades…?” In the world of the subconscious it has done quite enough for the entity, the body, “Thank you, very much”, and nothing more is necessary except to file the new trigger/response away as just another new Pattern of Behavior.
It has no incentive, but you do.
Think about this; you know those occasions that you find yourself alone for the moment, just after repeating an often repeated unpleasant scene in your life, one more time? (...Again?!!) You find yourself asking, “Why do I always do that?”
Or, you’re feeling like you owe somebody an apology for your doing or saying the wrong thing. But you remember plenty of other times when that exact same thing happened (the trigger) and you always wound up doing or saying the exact same thing (the response), but it was always so evil-mean-n-bad-n-nasty, you ended up pissed-off at yourself afterwards and crying your blues, “…Why do I always do that?!...”, one more time.
Well, now you know.
We are, all of us, walking collections of Patterns of Behavior. Everything we do, say or think was chosen as our response to each trigger. Oh, the dialogue may change, the place it occurs, the people involved may not matter, but the response, OUR response, stays the same (because we never ask the subconscious to help find us a more likable one). And this collective of all our PBs is what makes us who we are.
The good news is that we can change most of these PBs; make them more positive, more loving, or what ever we want. The method is actually pretty simple. That doesn’t mean that it’s easy, however.
It takes commitment, consistency and effort. For how long? Who knows? Each one is different. Some will change practically overnight, others could take weeks or months or longer.
Pick a PB that to you is important; a part of you that you really want to change, to improve. Whenever you perform some negative response to a trigger, perhaps an angry response, ask your self, afterwards, if you might have been capable of handling that differently, better, even perhaps in a more positive way. The answer is almost always, “Yes”.
Assuming it is, find a place and time, ASAP, while it’s still fresh in your mind, to sit or lie down in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and relax. Feel your body and your mind relaxing with each deep breath, over the next couple of minutes; inhale deeply and hold for a few seconds (comfortably), then exhale all the way, with a little extra push at the end, hold for a moment and start again. Do this for a dozen or so breaths while reminding your self to relax, deeper and deeper and imagining yourself doing so.
If you already meditate, that’s good, but not necessary. Understand that “Meditation”, when used actively to implement change within us, can also be a useful and powerful way to practice “Self Hypnosis”. These are just labels for much the same thing. Don’t get wrapped up in labels. All roads lead to Rome…and some will be of your own making.
When you feel reasonably relaxed, you can begin to breathe normally.
Now, talk to your subconscious in a way designed to recruit its assistance in the changing of yourself. Some see it as a “Higher Self”, or a deeper self, or simply another self, but most agree that it is a very powerful part of us and well worth cultivating a positive relationship with it.
If I believed that you, the present reader, were totally ready to immerse yourself into the world of this path, I would tell you to talk to it as a close friend. Eventually you’re going to learn the truth of this, anyway, so the sooner you accept it, the better you’ll be…for the time being, just suspend your disbeliefs and pretend all of this is true.
Remember, that from his (yes, yes; or her) perspective, he is the “one that has been making all the really important decisions for the two of you all these years, the ones that determined whether you (both) survived. And have you survived? Well, I daresay, you have! All because of MY decisions, that sure have seemed to go under appreciated for all that time, thank you, very much, indeed!...”, etc., etc.
It’s time you thank it, tell it how much it has indeed been appreciated, and apologize for not saying so more often…and because he is so great at all this, you would like to request that he assist you in improving the team effort even further.

(All of this may sound strange at first, but there are many other techniques available to accomplish the same ends, some perhaps even stranger. I and others have found this and what follows very useful. I hope you’ll give it a try for 90 days or so before you give it up.)

Assume that he has silently agreed and press ahead... Using your relaxed mind, tell him the Pattern of Behavior that you want to improve. Run a memory, just like putting in a DVD, and show him the trigger and the negative response that He had originally chosen for you; something like an outburst of unnecessary anger perhaps. Run it just like a movie that you are watching with him. Explain (to him) that even though the response he had chosen always ended in survival (and, “thank you for that”), you feel there must be other, more positive, responses that could have been used, that would also, not only, have resulted in survival , but could have contained more happiness, more love, perhaps even elegance . While you relax and quiet your mind, would he create three new positive responses that would be possible and, either tells or shows you the one he would pick as the best one of those three to try, right now, or allow it to manifest itself to you in your sleep later that night or during the following day. Thank it for the help you’re certain it will be showing you soon.
Now, just listen for it, as well as you can, for a minute or two. Often it will come to you now, a sudden awareness of a response that would fit the bill.
It would be very easy, right at that moment, to assume that whatever came to you was actually your idea, and pat yourself on the back for being so clever. This is what most of us usually do…Don’t. It is more in your own self interest to give the subconscious the benefit of the doubt and thank it, graciously.
You can start working with the new response right away or, if no message came through clearly enough, thank it again, and tell it you are confident that you will be receiving your answer soon.
Usually, when it comes, there’s no mistaking it. (It’s generally very clear, and kind of “forces” itself on you). If you haven’t received something that you feel is “clearly” that for which you have been waiting, within that first 24 hours, do it again. And do it with a smile on your face and love in your heart.
Still nothing? Do it again. Keep doing it, each time as positively as the first (…that’s one of your lessons, too…), until your subconscious takes you seriously enough to want to see what you’ll do with an answer and gives you one.
Understand this and it will save you a lot of frustration and disappointment: The Subconscious is reluctant to change.
It needs a really good reason. As far as it’s concerned, survival is a good enough response outcome. Why should it get fancy and clutter things up. It sees NO outcome as “better” than simple “survival”. YOU must show it the error of its ways, and that the number of better-than-just-plain-old-survival action responses are legion. It just doesn’t know these things. No one ever took the time to show it.
Persistence is one of the few ways by which you can be reasonably certain of success. You have to wear the subconscious down. So, each time you are beginning another PB improvement, make no deadlines. Adjust your expectations to “eventually”, and commit to “as long as it takes”, consistently repeating, at the same time each day, whatever routine currently required until you are successfully answered.
When and your subconscious have decided what you want the new response to be, start trying to implement it every time the trigger manifests itself into your life.
Lets’ say the trigger in this PB is when someone makes a good natured remark about your receding hairline, of which you are overly sensitive. The response is that you always take the remark as a personal insult and usually snap back at them with an angry insult of your own, usually escalating a negative situation
You’ll have your greatest difficulties now, at the beginning, when you’re trying to incorporate and use the new response with which you have had no experience, instead of the old one that has been experienced so many times that it has become reinforced into your psyche so deeply that it runs automatically, so as to require none of your attention at all.
You’ll be trying (and slowly learning) to focus your concentration every second that you can throughout the day, staying alert for the same old trigger as always, and being ready to perform the new response as soon as it appears.
You’ll learn to call this, “Practice”.
The old one will most likely beat you to it for a while. It’s been done so many times over so many years (and successfully as far as the subconscious cares), that its status quo in the Mind’s arena is pretty well assured. But, fortunately, not completely.
If you really want to change, all it takes is effort, unrelenting effort…for ever, if that’s what it takes. (It won’t. Isn’t that nice to know?) Commit to the effort.

Do your short meditative reminder about your current “effort” at the start of every day. Remind yourself of the exact trigger for which you are watching and the new response you will be trying to insert into your life’s path BEFORE the old unacceptable one has a chance to be activated. Get this as clearly in the forefront of your mind as you can. Remind your subconscious that it agreed to help you, or at least stay out of your way whenever it could.
Now, go start your day.
Practice watching for the trigger. You missed it?...Then another?...And still more?...Keep practicing.
Practice quickly inserting the preferred response first, whenever you do see the trigger. You’re not quick enough?...Make it not matter to you and try again. Need to get faster?... Keep practicing.
Every night when you’re getting ready for sleep, close your eyes and run a mental video of the day’s unfolding, looking to remember any opportunities that had occurred and that you had missed, having not recognized them at the time for what they were. Instead of mentally palm-slapping yourself in the forehead when you discover one (a negative), give yourself an “’atta-boy” pat on the back (a positive) and congratulate yourself for finding one that you would have otherwise completely missed, leaving you without the opportunity to go over it now, reviewing the video as much as you feel you need, so that the next time it is repeated you will be just a little more ready for it. And, even if you are still too slow the next time, you will mostly likely see that you are at least getting faster…each time getting faster…faster…
With your unrelenting practice of the “commitment to effort”, eventually you WILL get fast enough to win one; to perform that new and desired response ahead of the old long established one.
One is all it takes for it to begin to get noticeably easier.
Why? Because you have now given the subconscious a second response to the same trigger and were successful; you survived.
Remind your subconscious how much better, more positive, the outcome was for you, while still giving him everything he ever wanted out of that particular Pattern of Behavior.
From here on, the new will get stronger and stronger every time it is used, while the old will get weaker and weaker. With continued effort, the new will eventually get as reinforced as the old ever was.
The old trigger and the new response will become a whole new Pattern of Behavior, done as automatically as the original ever was and the old… well, it will just become a memory. Be kind and retire it with your heartfelt thanks for all the service it gave you for all its years and release it, with your love and gratitude, to go wherever it wishes.
This is based on the belief that everything has a spirit. Your subconscious will appreciate it even if you don’t, and it’s always a good idea to make as good a friend as you can out of your subconscious. Eventually he will get with the program and start actually helping you. This is called “Streamlining” and when it finally happens you will learn the real meaning of “Awesome”.
Peace,
Jerry

PS;
A note: Whenever you want to change something in your self, don’t try to get rid of it. Don’t try to stop doing whatever it is!!
Rather, pick out something you would do instead, and start practicing doing that until you do the new thing more than the old thing. Pretty soon you’ll have forgotten all about the original.
This is a short-hand version of the entire article above. As in, “…in other words…”
Want it shorter?...”Don’t stop a habit. Start another instead. Practice the second one.”


(…Go buy a song- @ cdbaby.com/cd/jerrylott)